Wednesday 25 June 2008

Handbags at dawn.

Bethmeister has returned after almost a year away from the blogging community. The story so far...

I was born a man but FINALLY realised with 100% certainty that I was a woman trapped in my birth body in May 2007 and came out as transsexual to work, family, and friends at the very start of my psychological, physical, and emotional transition from male to female.

Having had weekly psychotherapy specifically geared towards gender issues and two full on psychiatric assessments at Charing Cross NHS gender identity clinic earlier on in 2008, I am now just waiting for the gender clinic to write to my GP to say what hormones they should prescribe me on on the good old NHS. Then it is a year of hormones at least before I am eligable for surgery (depending on waiting lists).

All my documentation and paperwork is now in the name of Miss Beth and once I have lived as Beth for 2 years (including name change by deed poll) I can change my birth certificate to say sex - female. At that point I'll no longer be transsexual. Just a woman in name, mind, body, soul, and law. Bring it on!

So yes... handbags at dawn. My therapist has said that he feels I take my transition in a bit too literally and linear. I kind of thought 'ok. First I come out, then dress gradually more feminine, then change my name, then get assessed, then get the green light to start hormones, and at that point when I start physically changing I'll start dressing more feminine'.

Lots of therapy and self acceptance later has led me to realise that I am all woman right now. Right here in this very moment while typing this blog. Hormones and surgery will make my body get with the picture. But I should dress how I want to as a woman and have the self belief and confidence to pull it off as this transition is purely and simply for me, myself and I.

So with that in mind I went shopping yesterday and for the first time ever I purchased items I would like to see myself in rather than the previous gender neutral clothing look I had gone with so as to not rock the boat with family and society at large.

The most significant purchase for me was a handbag and purse. In a strange sort of way my shoulder bag and wallet were the last relics of my previous existance. They had served me well and it was hard to let them go as it was basically the birth me losing his last grip on my new happier and more fulfilling life. So I ceremonially transferred my cash and cards from wallet to purse this morning and oddly enough I shed a tear or two. It's one small step for tran. One giant leap for Beth kind!

Having a handbag is an interesting experience. Pre hormones I obviously hadn't changed physically since I was last at work on Monday. But the visual gender clue of a handbag literally opened doors for me today and I lost count of the amount of times I got called love or lass rather the usual gender neutral 'mate' or even worse 'fella'. Amusingly the woman at my local shop (who has been asking me why I'm so much happier these days) seemed to finally 'get it' today when I got my purse out to pay. :o)

This all came about from a disasterous fashion faux pas on Monday. My 'last blouse in the wardrobe look' resulted in me wearing a blouse that was too big (as I bought it ages ago when I was much bigger) and masculine looking (as I bought it right at the start of my transition). It confused my colleagues, it upset me, and it was time for a new wardrobe.

I am getting pretty impatient waiting to start hormones the very second that my GP gets confirmation off the gender clinic that they have assessed me and instruct my GP on what to prescribe me. I've been waiting 6 weeks and counting but in reality I've been waiting the whole of my 29 and a bit years to finally have the right hormones circulating through my system!

But today was amazing. After the wardrobe malfunction of Monday I owed it to myself and my colleagues to present as feminine today. So I went in in black skirt, boots, and all in one blouse/sweater top plus the magical handbag. Life is good. Now just give me hormones!!!